29 May 2017

Is Vladimir Putin the next Fidel Castro?

... or is he the next Prince or David Bowie? How does that guy lose office? They have secret police to keep Putin from killing bystanders or heads of state, not the other way around. Chuck Norris told the honey badger "whatever you do, don't fuck with that guy". That's a true fact. The more Macron talked and the less Putin said, the more Macron was apt to shit his pants. "Oh, hey, this is a building, and it has walls and shit!" (please God let him say something...) "Versailles, nice, I'm glad we could save it for you from those goddamn Germans. Did I tell you that to say you have a handshake like a girl would insult Angela Merkel, who could crush you like the little turnip that you are, "Mister" Macron?" "Please don't eat my liver, Mister Putin, it's not quite fattened enough..." France, occasionally, is the greatest nation on the planet. I would take your average Frenchman or Frenchwoman before any just random who the fuck ever on the planet. After New Zealand, there is only France. France is, to use a technical term, fan-fuckin'-tastic. Anything that actually worth doing, there is some French fucker who knows how to to it better than you do. I promise you this. Sail a boat? No, some French fucker is sailing at 40 plus knots on the edge of disaster in his composite what-the-fuck-is-that-maran. Cook some food? No, Jacques Pepin has personally collected the ballsweat off of 100 really pissed off cape buffalo, but befriending them in the process (go and motherfucking try *that*) to make this amazing meal, which oh, by the way, he flew back in time in a TARDIS to plant the vines form the backbone of this Chateau Margeaux which is the perfect accompaniment to the dish. The French don't give a flying fuck about cars (that's why they invented the Germans, and they have TARDISs and Brigitte Bardot, who was voted "maybe in the top one bazillion of hot French women" by the Hot French Women's Appreciation Society (my dues are paid up through 2020)) but if you want to smoke a cigarette in a really fucking comfortable chair and maybe get laid, you could do worse than an overstuffed seat in a Renault. France rules! But when it comes to "I've come here to kill people for fun, and maybe the profits, but who cares, lolz" who the fuck beats fucking Vladimir Putin? At some point, I wish he'd just rip some random leader's leg of and throw it on the fire, Iliad style, cutting the parts to their proper proportions and putting them on the spits, turning them just so, seeing through all of the formalities so the big boys could get to business. 10 gets you 100 if Putin doesn't eat a whole goddamn bag of Cheetos in the White House. When Toshiro Mifune died, the free world lost its defense against Vladimir Putin. Clint Eastwood can squint all he wants, but Vladimir will rip your ballsack off and make Macron fry it up with some garlic and sherry. And you'll like it. And it will probably taste pretty good.

I see the title of this post and I do need to give props where they are due. Fidel Castro was a long lived motherfucker. But he was fish that looked big in his small pond. Cuba is a foreign policy shame that the US will need a long time to live down. Kitty litter is a bigger industry than all of what is Cuba. Russia is a powerful contender that punches way above its weight. Italy, according to all the metrics, should be as, or more, important than Russia, but who gives a flying fuck about Italy? No serious person. If Russia ponders, the world frets. The realpolitik of Russia is actually pretty simple and, unfortunately for the military industrial congressional complex, is not at all misaligned with that of Europe or the United States. Secure borders. Access to warm water ports. Access to petroleum and other markets for their raw materials and some value-add products like weapons. Don't poke the bear. Buy its oil, gas, and guns. Or let it alone. Don't we have some sex, drugs, and rock and roll to tend to?

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